For as long as I can remember I haven’t enjoyed the doctors office … Any doctor’s office, be it one I am visiting for myself or accompanying someone else, a doctor I know or someone new, a general practitioner, a specialist, the dentist, one in a hospital or one in a cozy building, it doesn’t matter, I don’t enjoy it.
I wouldn’t call this a phobia per se, at least not in the traditional sense. I don’t get outwardly anxious or tense or irritable, even though it does in some cases raise my blood pressure, like I usually get with vertigo or traveling. No, this is just a general feeling of discomfort in the way sitting too long on a wooden pew would be like when you know you’d rather be in a comfy chair.
There’s no good reason why this is. It isn’t like I had any traumatic or painful experiences at any doctor I ever went to. The worst things were probably throat swabs or shots or really unruly teeth cleanings which is mild really, all things being equal. Sure, I’ve had problems with my insurance companies and disagreed with their systemic disdain for the patient and lack of providing the service I pay them for but never so much so that it should affect me so negatively in my perception of the doctor’s office.
No. There’s no single good reason for this irrational feeling of ‘meh’ I feel toward the experience really. It just is and that’s probably the biggest problem.
Honestly, I should be thrilled I have the opportunities I do for preventative maintenance and general treatment considering how many people are without the means to go to the doctor even in the most dire of circumstances here in this country (and throughout parts of the world). I should be taking full advantage of the level of care available to me within my current circumstance considering the decades long instability within treatment in this country and the continued downward spiral it still seems on despite the recent changes. I should even be using it to drive my own success in the same way I make use of other aspects of my life considering how few individuals are exposed to the depth of services I should have within the system.
And yet, I do not do these things as proactively as I should. Am I getting better at it? Sure. But anything looks good when increased from such a nominal situation in the first place.
i’m haunted by the strains of human limitation…but, i will not be moved or shaken, I will not be misled, i still overcome – Norma Jean
I bring this up as I sit in retrospect of a series of doctors visits recently. It made me realize that although blessed with fair health so far I should be doing more for myself on this front. I place a lot of effort on improving myself intellectually and spiritually and even emotionally but my physical well being, for whatever reason, takes a back seat. And yet, without a strong physical foundation all the work on my other efforts is for naught.
In the context of reviewing it like that I am forced to reconsider how well I’ve actually developed my intellectually and spiritually and emotional self if I am still able to succumb to irrational discomfort about something so trivial as the doctors office. This flies completely in the face of what my rational self would say is right, and as you’ve seen I can easily rationalize the benefits of taking advantage of the care I have before me.
So why not do more if it isn’t a fear of the diagnosis or a fear of traumatic memories or a fear of anything reconcilable really? I don’t know and that is why it is so irrational and frustrating for myself that going to the doctors is such a process. Half of the “process” is in my own head I’m sure, we’ll have to get it out of there – because I’m sure the real world version of process is more than enough anyhow.
For now, I’ll keep up with the follow ups and the recommendations and everything else and take better care of myself because these days I have even more reasons to than ever with a big day in October so close on the horizon.