when one chooses to lie they choose to see the world in an unreal way and then cast the shadow of their lie unto the world and expect it be accepted in a real way. When the shadow is inevitably lifted the lie shows forth and all they are left with is the glare from the light of the world around them (a quote I’ve made too one too many friends over the years)
A year later and it seems, sometimes nothing changes. Events leave me feeling like the blog is in order, again. Forgiveness foreign. Understanding undesirable. Presence perturbing. I suppose it is to be expected and one might expect.
After all, it was I who set the original tone in my actions, wasn’t it? Popular opinion might have it so. Then again, this isn’t the first time I faced this monster. It is just weird facing it still, among people I once considered close friends, family even, and so long after the event itself.
On my end, the answer could be imparted in any number of ways. It might be an indescretion in being in a relationship in the first place that maybe I should not have been for any number of reasons. Maybe it was a poor business decision. Maybe it was a poor personal perception. Maybe it was poor timing. It might be a misunderstanding about the relationship and its terms itself. Maybe it was a matter of wrong time, wrong place. Maybe it was wrong words presented in the wrong way. Maybe it was insecurity mixed with indecision. It might be any number of things I cannot begin to put into words about the situation.
But, of course though, those answers are only effective if one asks the question. Funny thing is, to this point, no one has. No one inquired what happened or why. It is not like I will not answer from what my point of view is honestly and openly. It is more people already made up their mind about the answer mostly from hearse, assumption, misdirected interpretation. Who knows. Who care?
Well, I do. I’m writing this right? You do. You’re still reading! So what in the heck went on. Well, I’ll give you some insight.
It is not fun being lied to. No one enjoys it. And I have been. More than enough. Even worse than being lied to is how and when the truth comes out and what i really is. Here’s the history.
A past highschool friend hurt me with the parting answer was “God told them to” in leaving on religious belief. The action was later consumated by a former friend. A previous college college left me saying, “My birthday gift to myself is freedom from you.” Funny enough, they hooked up with someone we were both working with in student leadership roles. Another, recent legally bound entity embarked with any number of excuses, but primarily primed by a need to focus on themself. Interestingly enough, they were with someone new and within months of me executing the end they were legally engrained.
I guess at that point I finally got smart and recognized the signs of a relationship headed to being left. So, that brings us up to the recent past. I did the leaving first. It caused anguish. It caused dispair. It caused rifts and shook up the system. Like all ends, it effected more than just my life, it evoked emotion with everyone around me.
What many of them never inquired about was why. What many of them never inquired about was the deception, the lies, the betrayal, the one reason why I would do the leaving, all of them knowing my past. .They knew the past, but what they refused to do was acknoladge how it effected that present.
So being lied to and cheated on was ignored. They were sidetracked by their own relationship to the situation, their own selfish needs, their own livelyhoods, their own personal gain. They cared not for the truth, for both sides of the story, for a complete picture. And, that was painfully obvious by some of them in their recent actions and how it effected us.
What was effected was their perception of the situation and of me and a person to them. Rather than being friends, supporters, confidents they became judges, juries, executioners. The did not side with the other person necessarily, nor with me, but their condemations definitely had effects and are painfully shown.
They never knew how while we were together things happened with mutual friends. Business partners too, but moreso it was the fact they were friends. They never bothered to find out how often or under what circumstances breaks in ideology and the inconsistances in the relationship occured. They have no idea how outside of our relationship other relationships where struck, under the guise of darkness, nor how they later effected the business and pleasure of both of us. Worst of all, not knowhing that information, they never knew how that information actually effected them and how I protected them from it. Of course they don’t know, because the won’t ask and out of respect for my former partner I was not volunteering.
I could break my silence with names, with affiliations, with details long kept secret beyond the secrets many now know, deeper than anyone probably wants to go. But out of respect, I won’t. I just want those who read this far to know, I never did anything to hurt anyone. I never lied, I never misled, I never compromised any situation. One thing ended, the next began, independant of one another in every way shape and form, time, intent, belieif, conception, intention, execution, ideal, etc.
Whatever perception you could have in a negative light on me, you’re probably wrong. I tried. I know I caused pain. I know I caused hurt. But, I also know if you know the story, blame is hart to point. I know if you know the story, the hurt is part of nature. I know that I still have relatively little negative despite my roots to this problem and my decision towards it.
But, that’s not of note to many. If at all. To any who read this with already predetermined dispositions about the disertation at hand and what they already assume its about all I have to say is: may your perceptions be your demise for your ignorance will evetually convey your insecurities as people at all levels, personal, professional or otherwise. None-the-less, the truth of the past will come out in time and I don’t want to push that effort. However, knowing the reaction I received a year after the end of this I know this is not a dead issue.
My only hope is, in this indescript opinion this helps people who are dealing with business bantam, personal perfuse, or whatever the rest of unreassurance that makes you upset finally comes forward to me.